Monthly Archives: December 2008

ALVIN S. SIMPLETON GIVING UP ON CHRISTMAS

I tell yo’all Christmas is nerve racking. Course yo’all know that already. I can’t take the roller coaster of Christmas no more, no siree, I just can’t do it.

Look here, I do my Christmas shopping in November before Thanksgiving. Man, I don’t do no shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. I knew one day somebody was gonna get hurt real serious in one of them stores that open ‘fore daybreak in the morning. Sure nough, that fellow in, New York was it, opened the doors and got himself trampled to death.

Anyway, back to why I’m giving up Christmas. When I’m shopping, I get depressed cause of the money I know I’m gon owe after Christmas. That is why I wish credit cards had never been invented, cause I use them like they real money. Hell no, they ain’t real money, but they ain’t play money neither.

When I start buying presents for my three grandsons, I feel good thinking bout the smiles on their faces on Christmas day. Now that eases the pain a little bit, it don’t make them Christmas blues go away but it do easy the pain.

Christmas day is all fun and smiles with nary a care in the world. It’s the day after that brings on the pain again. The “I got to pay for all that stuff” blues comes down. January ain’t never been a good month for me since I had kids, cause the bills come due and I have to pay the piper.

They say the economy in bad shape. Well, you can’t tell by what I spent this year. I know I contributed to the economy even if I do have to give them storekeepers real money in January.

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ALVIN S. SIMPLETON TAKES OVER

Alvin has told me, his creator, he wishes to speak directly to folks in blogland, Internetland, and Cyberspace, and that, therefore, I will let him write the blog and leave off any reference to his friends Jabo and Leroy. In fact, he’ll dictate to me and I’ll do the typing and posting to the blog. You see, Alvin is computer and Internet illiterate.

So, here is Alvin, his own self.

You know, I been thinking bout all the political mess goin on around us common folks. I mean them talkin heads on TV and in the papers always tellin us how to think. But they, themselves, don’t use common sense. So what I intend to do is use my common sense and talk like common folks to you’ll.

Look at that mess in Illinois. Now anybody with an ounce of common sense knows it is hard to find an innocent politician. I lived in Chicago for a few years back in the sixties when Daley was mayor, and them boys was smooth, smooth as jello. They didn’t do what the idiot of a governor did. They didn’t get caught with their pants down. I mean how stupid can you get, talkin on the phone about what you want for the senate seat what Obama left. Man, it’s like them idiots who think their emails is secret. Don’t they know by now anybody can see them?

I would think any politician in his right mind would have seen how them other ones—the dude in California and the one in Louisiana—was caught.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think all politicians are crooks but a whole bunch of’m are. Me, I always vote for the politician what is innocent, cause I ain’t put no crooks in office.

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ALVIN S. SIMPLETON CAN’T BELIEVE IT

“You know,” I addressed the group, consisting of the usual three occupants and the Professor who was sitting in the barber chair getting his hair cut. “Slavery is striving in Africa, and it ain’t the white man who is doing.”

Alvin paused in cutting the Professor’s hair. “There you go again bout Africa. Boy, slavery is over, and what you care bout what’s happenin in Africa anyhow?”

Jabo added his ten cents: “Yeah, Louis, you got people like Obama livin in Africa?”

“No, I don’t have people living in Africa, but it is the mother country or rather, the mother continent of all of us, you know, black, white, brown, red, yellow. Anyway, we ought to care about getting rid of slavery wherever it found. Remember, we were once slaves.”

“Yeah,” said Leroy, “from Africa.”

“Well,” said Alvin, “I don’t believe there’s slavery in Africa, especially if no white folks ain’t involved. No, sir, I do not believe it.”

“Look, you jive turkeys,” I tried to explain, “I read in a magazine I get each month called NewAfrican about a woman who had been held as a slave filing a case against Niger for not protecting her from slavery. She won. It seems that the man who held her claimed he was her husband, and the Niger court upheld his claim, even after he had given her a paper showing he had liberated her. But she took her case to the regional court called the Economic Community of West African States, a court 16 countries in West Africa organized to settle disputes.”

The professor woke from his nap in the barber’s chair. “Louis is right about slavery in Africa. Several countries continue to hold persons who don’t belong to their ethnic group as slaves. Slavery in Africa is an old institution. You know, Africans held slaves before the Europeans came.”

“Alright, Professor, I guess I believe you cause you an educated man,” was Alvin’s last word on the subject.

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ALVIN S. SIMPLETON SAYS THE CAR MAKERS ARE DRUNK

Last year, Alvin paid a heap of money for a brand, spanking new Lincoln. He isn’t too please that the auto companies are now asking him to loan them or give them a whole lotta money.

“Man, I’m tellin you them dudes gotta a lotta nerve askin me to give them, what is, fifty billion, or what ever. I mean I paid some serious bread for that beautiful ride I got.” Alvin was spitting mad.

“Alvin,” said Jabo, “they ain’t just askin you for money. They askin all of us taxpayers, all except Leroy, cause he don’t pay no taxes, and he still ain’t rich.”

Leroy gets a tax-free pension from some insurance his wife had that pays him a monthly pension. He does pay taxes on his own pension, however, but we like to tease him about living off his wife who died some years ago.

“I..I do so pay taxes, yo’all know I do. Jabo don’t know what he talkin bout. I ain’t livin off Louise, either. I told her not to do it but she said she loved me and wasn’t gon let me live on nothing if she died.” He was really upset this time.

Alvin chastised Jabo. “Leave him alone Jabo and we won’t tell how you come by your illegal pension. Leroy, don’t pay no mind. We know you pay taxes that them car making dudes want some of.”

“Look here Alvin,” I addressed him, “if we don’t help the automakers, millions of workers in and out of the automobile industry will lost their jobs. Cities might go broke. Hell, some of them people just might move down here.”

“Ah, man, there you go again, defendin them rich dudes,” was Alvin’s rejoinder, “look here, the union what made them great contracts for the workers, like the owners, shoulda seen it comin. Man, you can’t go on makin bad cars that nobody really wants and stay in business. You sure in hell can’t give the unions all they request and stay in business. I’m tellin you every business wants the government—that’s us, you and me—to give them some money so they can stay in business. No siree, none of my taxes gonna help them.”

I didn’t point out that he could do nothing about how the government spends his tax dollars.

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